It’s Wednesday 23rd 2023 august and I’m laying in bed in the villa in Tulum after having just had a bufo experience with Amaru downstairs in our living space. And what an experience it was.
After a final nervous pee (which was warranted as a lot came out, and because I was able to listen to my intuition and action my desire), I sat down on my meditation blocks with Amaru to have the experience.
Three breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth) and then slow sucking inhales on the pipe, like sucking through a straw, to take in the medicine. I was apprehensive to breathe in deep from my belly, and so didn’t get much. I felt a lot of salivation, and after a little longer attempting to inhale the pipe was taken and I was invited to go into the experience.
I felt a little something, but not much. My eyes were closed and I could see light distorting, but nothing more than that, and after a little while that stopped too. I was dribbling, and allowed the saliva to just leave my mouth. I sat with my eyes closed, inviting surrender into an experience, but nothing happened.
I felt that that was it, and that I’d wasted my money. I could keep my eyes closed and try to tune into the subtly, or I could say something. I decided to be vocal, and after some translation through Tiff we decided to have another try. The second hit I definitely felt!
This time I decided to inhale from deep, and really commit to the experience. The apprehension had come from my history with asthma as a child, and the feeling of my lungs being crackly whenever I’d tried smoking in the past. But I didn’t get that with this. Just the taste.
Soon after taking my last inhale I felt the affects come on. Hard. I was gone. And to be honest I’m not sure where. I’m not sure at what point I ended up on the floor on my back, but that’s where my consciousness picks back up.
I remember this desire to scream. But I don’t know why. It wasn’t out of pain or anger, but I think out of power. I remember screaming as a desire to express, and then thinking how I was holding back. And that if there was any time not to hold back it was now, where I was in a private ceremony, being held by a facilitator, with Tiff present to also hold space energetically. And so I went for it.
I gave this vocal expression of my power everything I had. I felt myself roar with all my might, and in doing so roll up onto the top of my head, and up over into my forehead. And the visualisation I was experiencing was this action continuing, as if circling in loops round and round, like an endless backflip. I felt this urge to stop, and then the desire to give it my all - to really demonstrate just how powerful, how determined, how committed to surrender into this power I could be. To not let the rolling and the screaming stop until I could physically not give any more. To go to my absolute very limit and prove to myself that I am capable and willing to actually give an honest 100%, not fall short because it’s easier to give up and say that was everything. But to truly give it everything I could. It was strangely, and paradoxically, a surrender into the experience by giving it my all.
I felt myself push to my absolute limit. I recognised it was an opportunity find this power, this commitment, this authority within myself, so I could program it in and know it was there within me, and able to be called upon whenever I might need it. And it wasn’t just to show this to myself, but to show it to Tiff. To let her see my full power. To let her know just how powerful I am and can be, and to show myself that I’ve shown her. To find that element of masculinity in myself that I don’t let out often. Maybe because I’m afraid of just how powerful it can be, especially if not consciously used.
I felt Amaru’s presence, vocally and physically, inviting me to ground and return to placidity. (It turns out I was being rather physical in the demonstration of my power, and I why he wanted to have an assistant, to handle effectively someone with this much strength. And whilst Tiff was present, she wasn’t in a position to offer physical support.) His presence brought me back, and I remember even thinking ‘ok, so this is why he wanted an assistant, and began to laugh.
With this sense of grounding and awareness (to a degree) of what I’d been expressing, my thoughts shifted to Tiff. The fact that she’d chosen to be present with me for this experience, and was willing to hold space and witness me in this. I felt such reverence towards her. I felt her commitment to me, to us. I felt her strength. And it gave me strength in return. Not that I was needing of it, but I felt it. I felt joy and gratitude, for being in union with this queen. And I felt the comedy in thinking that a part of me could ever question her commitment. That her willingness to witness me in this ceremony showed me her love and commitment to and for me more than any words ever could. And I realised that that love and commitment, from her to me and from me to her, was stronger than anything that attempted to challenge it. And I was grateful for that. This is a union I’d go to the end of the earth for, and now I showed myself just how capable of that I truly am.
I next remember feeling the desire to purge, and after some deep visceral coughing Amaru put me on my side and I purged. (This is why it’s best not to eat anything the day of, like with Aya.) I surrendered to the purge and just let my body cleanse.
I next remember being on my back, feeling a sense of joy and euphoria, a call to love and surrender into softness. I felt this desire to commit to the tether of love I have with Tiff, wanting to physically hold her hand. And so I listened to that intuition and reached for her. It wasn’t because I needed her, but because I wanted her, and to demonstrate my commitment to her, to our tether. I could hear her asking if she could honour that, and after some time Amaru allowed her to do so.
It felt great to connect with her. To feel the love in me honoured and reflected in her. I felt gratitude and happiness at being able to connect with her. I wanted to surrender into love, but there was still something left within me, so I decided to honour that and I wailed one last big scream. I felt this desire to demonstrate how committed to her I was, and so I reached towards her as strongly as I could, through the pain in my shoulder. An initial thought was it was to demonstrate to her, and then I realised it was to demonstrate to myself just how committed to her and reaching for that tether I am - a reminder, an ingraining, into my being to return to when any infractions attempt to cloud that fact.
My brain shifted to honouring my intention to connect to god consciousness. I became aware of a strong sensation between my eyebrows, what felt like my third eye, my pineal gland. The location for god consciousness. It felt like the awareness of it was burning into my body, into my being, into my consciousness. Another reminder - to focus on this space, this feeling, this moment during instances where I’m being challenged as an invitation to come back to this god consciousness, this elevated level of awareness. That any time I need it all I have to do it focus on this space and I will find the god consciousness I need to keep me present and focused in loving awareness. And so I let that sink in fully.
I experienced the thought of wishing I was nude, wanting to be fully exposed in my being. And so I followed that intuition and removed my shorts. I felt empowered in my masculinity, and no shame or embarrassment in my expression.
I knew I was on my way back, and so I allowed myself to continue to surrender to love - being connected with my love. I felt the desire to move her hand to my heart as a way to demonstrate my love, and then to my head, to demonstrate my presence. I felt the strength of the loop between us, and I was grateful.
I felt the desire to open my eyes, and I wanted to first thing I saw to be her. My eyes opened and our eyes met. I saw the love in her eyes, and I felt love in my being. It felt like a truly powerful moment, and I’m grateful I got to share it. I had no words, but I was full of joy, and expressed that through a beaming smile on my face towards her - I was telling her (and myself) that I loved her.
And then shortly after I was back and fully out. I sat up and exchanged with Amaru. I took in the scene - the vomit in the floor, where I’d ended up compared to where I’d started, and feeling love, gratitude, and empowered. He asked if I wanted to hug Tiff and I said yes please, and then he closed the space and we shared a group embrace.
He expressed to me how powerful and strong I’d been in my physical expression, and why he wanted an assistant. And I understood that. And I could sense it in Tiff too. In our debrief she expressed how she recognised the need for assistance, and the concern she experienced during the ceremony at my volatile physicality. It was interesting for me to witness how I quickly moved from a place of empowerment to a place of guilt at having been a challenge for them. Amaru, perhaps picking up on this, invited me to show compassion to myself. And upon reflection he’s right - to show compassion to the part of me that feels guilt, as it’s the part of me that is caring. To see that the guilt need not inhibit me or disempower me, but to see it as the part of me that wants to care for those within my sphere of influence, and how there’s power in that if I choose to frame it that way.
And so that’s my reminder, my lesson, my takeaway - to find the power within my loving compassion, and the power in my god consciousness. That they are one and the same. That my power of consciousness is my power of love. And to reside in that, because it’s residing in me.
The choice to find the power, drive, and determination to give everything I had to the very last molecule of breath in me demonstrated just how powerful I am. It was expressed physically, but also served as a wake up call - what if I focused that power into all aspects of my life? I’ve been playing small, giving enough but not my all; imagine just what I could achieve if I gave everything my all.
To surmise, my journey was one of finding the courage to fully embrace my power, the commitment to surrender into the tether of love, and the reminder to return to god consciousness in moments of challenge.